2010.7.27 11:58pm

** I shall not astray from my thoughts.

After the tuition I feel better now. Mind is somehow freed. And I have just packed the bag to go on a journey. I don't know how many days it will take but I should be back by monday. I took 30000 won. I'm going to use only this much for the bus fee. 50000 won, I'm going to keep them somewhere I can easily forget about it. So that I can use it only at the time of emergency.

The reason why I go on this journey, as I have mentioned earlier, is to find out who I am(excluding what others see me...), What kind of person I am... Truthfully I am so confused with all the relationships that I've made till now. Even my parents, honestly, I don't have any idea who are they. My friends, brother, sister, and lover.. I don't know who are they. And I don't know who I am. I believe this journey I take, at least, will give me some ideas to know 'me'. And from that I try to draw lines to my close people whom I dearly cherish. I want to find 'meaning'...

Just yesterday I have climbed up to the hill behind my house alone. While I was climbing up I felt so fresh to be there. Surroundings were all lively and energetic I found... However as I go little higher I started to get frigtened with this unknown place though there was a path in front of me. On the other hand I was very excited to carry on with the path that I saw. I went on for awhile. Strangely I just stopped and I started to coming back. It might be the fright won over in my mind.
After tonight's tuition, on the way back home, I was confused with myself. Whether I really want to go on a journey or not. Which means, I believe, frightfulness to the strange place and excitement for the adventure had a conflict in my mind like a devil and an angel. So when I came back home, I started to pack my stuffs. I felt that if I didn't do that, I could not go on a journey tomorrow. Now everything is ready. I just have to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning. I will see the bag packed and just take my money and move on...to the strange places and to me...

2010.7.27

*** It will be most sincere diary of mine to reflect myself...

Since I was born, I never looked back much... If I did, it was just few hours... Actually I never tried to look into myself at all. When I was baby, I learnt to speak by immitating my parents or people around me... I learnt to behave by immitation and punishments... I got to know good and bad habits by severe punishments... I learnt to think by combining various books I've read. I learnt to comunicate with people, it's just because I knew that I can't do anything by myself in this society that I live. So to summerize whole my life till now, it is 'Life of immitation and Self-ignorance'. I tried to please people, friends, parents... Learnt to speak 'gentle language' with elders and 'harsh language' with friends. Lots of people see me different ways but no one saw me whole. They see me like blinds tried to cognize what's elephant by touching few different parts of it. They see single tree instead of forest...

I made a lot of mistakes. And also I have hurt many close people that I have. In turn I've got hurt too... But I don't regret... It is all life...that we all commit at least once while we live. However I felt it touched my conscience every time though I tried to ignore that feeling. It was weird... As I ignore it more and more I care less for that conscience... Adoptation. That's what it happend to me I guess. But at least I tried not to repeat mistakes that I've commited once. However I commit mistakes different ways. Last night too, I've made a mistake... I couldnt even say sorry actually. What has been done is done. I can't go back to the time and correct it. But it made a huge blackhole in my mind. And whole night... Till the dawn comes I was thinking about myself. Shall I be the one who can care others? I couldn't jump into the conclusion... Finally I decided to look myself back... Collected all memories that I have in my mind.. since I was a small baby that can't even speak Mommy properly... I believe it's time for my own now. For that promise to myself. I've deactivated facebook account.. I feel that was stupid idea but still at least I make myself isolated... Give myself more time and now I try to learn to communicate myself... I think it will be first thing that I learn from myself and not from others... And To 'Yunsoo Lee'... I know you and me can do it... And I promise you I won't ignore the signals you give me everytime... Ill try to listen to you and talk to you... I'll accept whoever you are as the half of me...

Sky

I see sky's up. Cloud, blue, clear, cloudy, rainy, snowy... Sometimes there are hailstones...And at times there is a rainbow... In my sky...Yeah, in my sky... There is no rainbow... It's not a clear blue... Drak gray clouds covers the whole sky... I'm waiting for the rain to pour down... Expecting for a clear blue sky... Like I used to have before... When does the rain pour...

Wall

We broke the wall together...
We tried hard to break it for a long time...
We almost broke it completely...
But we started building the wall again...
Brick by brick...
Brick by brick...
Again it grows taller than my height...
I thought I could make it a levelled ground...
So that we can bulid the wall around us again...
Am I inside or outside?...

THE LADY IN PINK

From a well to do family she came
Refined by education and class
Wears Pink to disguise herself in the color of innocence
A sweet charming angel she pretends to be
Talks sweetly and gracefully with words from her mouth that tastes so bitter
She has no close ones
For Love and Friendship she destroys
Make enemies faster than friends


Day and night, she goes out in search of a prey
Goes out at night with attires that seem to strangle her muscles
Along with the scent of a cheap perfume and decorated face
She manages to lure men into lust
A dress or a pair of shoes for a reward she gets
And when the morning comes
She heralds about the night's experience
Not realizing the mocks and insults behind her back
Make enemies faster than make friends

Wake up O Lady in Pink
Before u turn Blue and Purple

young soldiers- Lee

Heaven sent them on the earth/ with the bless of good aim/
Children of the sun/ he calls his sons name/
New life begins with/free from all sins and all blame/
they born with every rights to enjoy life and dreams to frame/
Soldiers take away their dreams, hopes, lights to drain/
Lack of soldiers to fight that's what they claim/
I see those pure diamonds stained with blood of young birds/
Sacrifice their pure soul in the centre of cold world/
its worse than cold war/
when they can see their own world/
They don't even know what's ABC/
Heap of dead bodies that's what they see/
tiny hands holding AK47/

they learn to kill people before they reach 7/

They never pray to heaven/cuz they living in a life of hell/
Never wish to reach heaven/ they hear the last funeral bell/

Korea -Lee

brothers, sisters and family got splited. our land cut into two halves. Now they living two different lives. I see my grandmama sighs. how the time flies. She's praying to meet her husband. the reality she facing stimulates her tear gland. Looking at the sepia old picture still having young heart's lovesick. Ideology doesn't assure the happiness of our brothers. Only thing we need is getting back our old brothers.

WHY

Why do we sing when it's time to recite
Why do we remain silent when it's time to shout
Why do we run when it's time to slow down
Why do we fight when there is peace
Why do we long for something which we cannot have
Why do we cry for something that's not worth crying over
Why do we pretend to laugh when it hurts badly inside
Why do we regret when nothing can be solved out anymore
Why do we love living life in a twisted way
And why does the word 'Why' need to be used every time
WHY??

STEREOTYPING WON'T END

I have had encountered many bad experiences. Once i went out at 8.30 pm just near my house to fetch some needs from the shop. An unknown guy on a bike came to me asking me the way and i gave him the direction. After when I thought that he would go away, he came near me and pulled me on my hand. Luckily my sisters and friend came with a scooter and the guy ran off. After that incident, i believed that every mainstream guys are such desperate people when it comes to girls.
Another incident where one Mallu guy called me up on my phone and insulted me so bad, telling me that my accent was funny. I never knew where he got my number from and from that moment on, i started hating the Mallus like anything.
Once, a colleague of mine told me that the Kannada people doesn't have brains since he has often seen them getting into trouble for no proper reason.
I remember a cousin of mine telling me that her friend believes that all chinky girls can sleep with any men if it's for the sake of money.
I've heard many people saying that Africans are dirty and not to be trusted.
We Indians like to talk about the English people for their prejudices and we have the mindset that every Englishman would be arrogant and stiff due to the impact of colonialism.
There are many experiences which cannot be fully mentioned in this post. Anyway, it is important to know that we tend to generalize the whole community just because of the fault of one or two people who left a bad impression on others. Will this stop? The answer is 'NO'. As long as the earth keeps on revolving, stereotyping will not stop. However, let us remember that while there are many bad people, there are also many good people and it is not the wisest thing to keep on generalizing certain communities. And this is what i am also still learning.