** I shall not astray from my thoughts.
After the tuition I feel better now. Mind is somehow freed. And I have just packed the bag to go on a journey. I don't know how many days it will take but I should be back by monday. I took 30000 won. I'm going to use only this much for the bus fee. 50000 won, I'm going to keep them somewhere I can easily forget about it. So that I can use it only at the time of emergency.
The reason why I go on this journey, as I have mentioned earlier, is to find out who I am(excluding what others see me...), What kind of person I am... Truthfully I am so confused with all the relationships that I've made till now. Even my parents, honestly, I don't have any idea who are they. My friends, brother, sister, and lover.. I don't know who are they. And I don't know who I am. I believe this journey I take, at least, will give me some ideas to know 'me'. And from that I try to draw lines to my close people whom I dearly cherish. I want to find 'meaning'...
Just yesterday I have climbed up to the hill behind my house alone. While I was climbing up I felt so fresh to be there. Surroundings were all lively and energetic I found... However as I go little higher I started to get frigtened with this unknown place though there was a path in front of me. On the other hand I was very excited to carry on with the path that I saw. I went on for awhile. Strangely I just stopped and I started to coming back. It might be the fright won over in my mind.
After tonight's tuition, on the way back home, I was confused with myself. Whether I really want to go on a journey or not. Which means, I believe, frightfulness to the strange place and excitement for the adventure had a conflict in my mind like a devil and an angel. So when I came back home, I started to pack my stuffs. I felt that if I didn't do that, I could not go on a journey tomorrow. Now everything is ready. I just have to sleep and wake up tomorrow morning. I will see the bag packed and just take my money and move on...to the strange places and to me...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
2010.7.27
*** It will be most sincere diary of mine to reflect myself...
Since I was born, I never looked back much... If I did, it was just few hours... Actually I never tried to look into myself at all. When I was baby, I learnt to speak by immitating my parents or people around me... I learnt to behave by immitation and punishments... I got to know good and bad habits by severe punishments... I learnt to think by combining various books I've read. I learnt to comunicate with people, it's just because I knew that I can't do anything by myself in this society that I live. So to summerize whole my life till now, it is 'Life of immitation and Self-ignorance'. I tried to please people, friends, parents... Learnt to speak 'gentle language' with elders and 'harsh language' with friends. Lots of people see me different ways but no one saw me whole. They see me like blinds tried to cognize what's elephant by touching few different parts of it. They see single tree instead of forest...
I made a lot of mistakes. And also I have hurt many close people that I have. In turn I've got hurt too... But I don't regret... It is all life...that we all commit at least once while we live. However I felt it touched my conscience every time though I tried to ignore that feeling. It was weird... As I ignore it more and more I care less for that conscience... Adoptation. That's what it happend to me I guess. But at least I tried not to repeat mistakes that I've commited once. However I commit mistakes different ways. Last night too, I've made a mistake... I couldnt even say sorry actually. What has been done is done. I can't go back to the time and correct it. But it made a huge blackhole in my mind. And whole night... Till the dawn comes I was thinking about myself. Shall I be the one who can care others? I couldn't jump into the conclusion... Finally I decided to look myself back... Collected all memories that I have in my mind.. since I was a small baby that can't even speak Mommy properly... I believe it's time for my own now. For that promise to myself. I've deactivated facebook account.. I feel that was stupid idea but still at least I make myself isolated... Give myself more time and now I try to learn to communicate myself... I think it will be first thing that I learn from myself and not from others... And To 'Yunsoo Lee'... I know you and me can do it... And I promise you I won't ignore the signals you give me everytime... Ill try to listen to you and talk to you... I'll accept whoever you are as the half of me...
Since I was born, I never looked back much... If I did, it was just few hours... Actually I never tried to look into myself at all. When I was baby, I learnt to speak by immitating my parents or people around me... I learnt to behave by immitation and punishments... I got to know good and bad habits by severe punishments... I learnt to think by combining various books I've read. I learnt to comunicate with people, it's just because I knew that I can't do anything by myself in this society that I live. So to summerize whole my life till now, it is 'Life of immitation and Self-ignorance'. I tried to please people, friends, parents... Learnt to speak 'gentle language' with elders and 'harsh language' with friends. Lots of people see me different ways but no one saw me whole. They see me like blinds tried to cognize what's elephant by touching few different parts of it. They see single tree instead of forest...
I made a lot of mistakes. And also I have hurt many close people that I have. In turn I've got hurt too... But I don't regret... It is all life...that we all commit at least once while we live. However I felt it touched my conscience every time though I tried to ignore that feeling. It was weird... As I ignore it more and more I care less for that conscience... Adoptation. That's what it happend to me I guess. But at least I tried not to repeat mistakes that I've commited once. However I commit mistakes different ways. Last night too, I've made a mistake... I couldnt even say sorry actually. What has been done is done. I can't go back to the time and correct it. But it made a huge blackhole in my mind. And whole night... Till the dawn comes I was thinking about myself. Shall I be the one who can care others? I couldn't jump into the conclusion... Finally I decided to look myself back... Collected all memories that I have in my mind.. since I was a small baby that can't even speak Mommy properly... I believe it's time for my own now. For that promise to myself. I've deactivated facebook account.. I feel that was stupid idea but still at least I make myself isolated... Give myself more time and now I try to learn to communicate myself... I think it will be first thing that I learn from myself and not from others... And To 'Yunsoo Lee'... I know you and me can do it... And I promise you I won't ignore the signals you give me everytime... Ill try to listen to you and talk to you... I'll accept whoever you are as the half of me...
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